fairyprinciss' Journal

9:32pm: All Hell Breaks Loose
Ah, here again. Somehow I have to remember this journal is here when I need it.
So tomorrow, Monday September 27th at 11:00 am, I am *finally* defending my Paper. "Exploring the Human-Animal Bond: The clinical significance of companion animals." I cannot wait for it to be over & done with. It has taken such a long, long time. My chairperson of my committee, Dr. Bill Frey, has not been as invested in it as I have been. By him disappearing for weeks at a time, not returning any of my calls and emails, really put a damper on my enthusiasm for this project. Which is sad, considering this topic is something I have real passion for. Hopefully it will go alright.
Mom gets the results from her biopsy tomorrow. I am trying not to worry about it, or think about it at all. I know she is worried. She says she's not, but still....I wish there was something I could do. My relationship with her always makes me feel guilty, because I am not being the most caring, loving, compassionate person that I could be. Why do I feel I can take out all my frustrations on her? Because I resent some part of her that created the part of me that I dislike so much. Damn my psychoanalytic thinking. Maybe it's just that I am a bitch?

Then there's my tooth. Hurting, sore, semi-wiggly. All the years of nightmares about my teeth falling out. Sheesh. I would absolutely die if they have to remove it. No I won't. But I'd be pretty pissed. Considering I brush, floss and rinse every single day. Friggin gum disease. I hate having work done on my mouth and I have been fortunate enough in my 26 years to only have a handful of cavities, some braces and my wisdom teeth taken out. Other than that, smooth sailing. I am hopeful the dentist can lend me some insight tomorrow afternoon.

I won't even get into my love life right now. It has been evident that I really am crazy and maybe I should be alone. More to come....

10:55pm: Typing words, MY words, seems so superficial lately. I can't look back on any of these entries and interpret my handswriting...something that can so easily express what I am feeling. I look through old journals of mine and can find dried tears on the pages. And how many more tears were there back then? Maybe that's what I need more of now. Crying is healthy, I used to do it a lot. I refrain now, when I can.

The other night I pulled out an old comfortable winter nightgown. Stuck all over it were hairs from Finnegan. Slowly, I began to pluck them off, one by one. I put down my book (on the importance of animal companionship...never-ending research). I felt the tears begin to creep up, and I focused on picking every hair I could. I cupped the wiry, orange strands in my hand. Then I realized, before I could even cry, that a few loose strands of fur was not going to bring back Finnegan. I stopped what I was doing, and put there hairs on a shelf in my bookcase. The beautiful orange color was easier to see when there was a small clump of hairs, and I was reminded for an instant of what his fur really did look like. And I missed him all over again.
I forgot about the strands of fur on my shelf and next time I looked, they were all gone from the smooth surface.

I don't know how much longer I can write in an electronic journal...I need to be able to look back on these words I write, and sometimes I just can't find the perfect emoticon to express how I am feeling.

10:36pm: Finnegan
This is the first day of the rest of my life without Finnegan. I am not ready to start living this way; he brought such a huge amount of joy into my life and within a split second, that was taken away from me.
I can't imagine never seeing him flop over for me to rub his belly. I can't believe I will never hear his meow again. Finnegan was such a good boy, one of the best things in my life and now he's just gone. There's almost nothing I wouldn't do to have him back...

8:47pm: Just Fucking Around
Watching the Red Sox kick the Yankees ass. 2-1 in the top of the 6th. We REALLY need to win. I need to get some energy. I always know what to do. I just never do what I'm supposed to. Like trying to get my case study together for Monday. How can I finish this class when I'm so excited about IT??? Aughhh! I have so much stuff to do in the next few days....Next week at this time I will be in MAINE - hooray! I need a vacation, mah mind needs a vacation, with no thinking about psychoanalysis or transference or sex and aggression, lol. I wonder if Guido will go with us. I wonder if that will squelch the good time I am anticipating. Guess I'll have to wait and see. I have agreed to surrender to the phlow for the time being. Whatever will be, will be.

8:32pm: Look at this, Friday night, in front of the computer again. I am such a dork. I didn't feel like going camping with Josie & Brooke. It's nice to have the apartment to myself, just me and my cats. And having Guido gone for a little while.
It is ridiculous that he is here. I hope it's not for too long so my life can go back to normal. Like it ever was normal to begin with! God, I am such a tool. But yes, he's my friend and if he doesn't have a place to go right now...plus it's nice to have someone to snuggle with at night. We don't fight anymore because we're not *together*. LOL - I can wake up in the morning, and it's he who is the one having to go to work while I roll over and go back to sleep. Anyway....it will be interesting to see what happens. Everything is always "interesting" in some way. I have discovered that James' song "Laid", it kind of reminds me of my situation:

"My therapist said not to see you no more
She said you're like a disease without any cure
She said I'm so obsessed that I'm becoming a bore, oh no
Ah, you think you're so pretty
Moved out of the house, so you moved next door
I locked you out, you cut a hole in the wall
I found you sleeping next to me, I thought I was alone
You're driving me crazy, when are you coming home "

He's driving me crazy...when is he coming home....(where is he???)
Maybe I should just go out tonight solo....that will be a good thing right?
He came along last night downtown and met all my friends from class. They have been hearing about him forever and now they know he does exist. They think he's great, of course, like everyone always does. I had to remind everyone (myself included) that we're not together.

I like being alone. Most of the time.
"I'm ok, most of the time. I just feel a little lonely tonight" - Tom Petty

I really need to just start writing more. I used to be good at it.

11:39pm: Friday Night
Not even midnight yet, and it's Friday night. I am sitting around as usual, drinking beer and smoking cigarettes by myself. Sometimes it's just so draining to spend time with people. I was supposed to call Mickey tonight, he really wanted me to. I didn't feel up to it, I guess. As always, wanted to hang out alone. Yet I come home from a get-together and become sort of irked that there was no message from Guido. Why should I care, he's not my boyfriend. Hell, we broke up over six months ago! Habits are so hard to kick.
I slept till noon today. I need to break that habit as well. Not too long ago, I was getting up early every day, working my ass off with school and my job. And trying to keep up partying once in awhile as not to lose my mind. Of course, devoting way too much time and energy to Guido. What a shame. Now I have so much time on my hands....to sit and think and what have you. It will be good to work again....but it's been fun being lazy too.
I need to get used to writing again....I kept a journal most of my life. I stopped writing as I "grew up." I still keep a journal next to my bed though, just in case.
I forgot to call my friend Frank this week....it's probably what Freud would call a parapraxis. He needs to come visit, it will be good for his soul. He has spent the last however many years of his life incarcerated, I need to give him some positive energy. I haven't seen him in so long, I'm a little nervous. Well, it will be nice to see him and watch him become accustomed to living in society again.
Probably time for me to go to bed. I could ramble for awhile but it would be better if I could think of something of substance for next time.